读后续写作具细精析讲义-2023届高三英语写作专项.docx

1、读后续写作具细精析讲义：妈妈的育儿奇招读后续写题目My mother was a supporter of physical punishment, but for all her talking she has never spanked (打屁股) my siblings and me only once. Instead she found ways of punishment that left a morelastingmemory than giving us a spanking. One of the most memorable of these occasions occu

2、rred when I was four.In the early 70s my mother attended college during the day and I was in daycare. One day at daycare watched an extremely tired mother attempt to pick up her daughter. The little girl asked, “Momma, are we going to McDonalds for dinner?” The mother replied, “Honey, not tonight.Mo

3、mmahas to run a few errands (差事) and then we have to go home and cook dinner for Daddy.” “But I wanna go.” “Susie, I said not tonight. Maybe, if you are a good girl, we can go tomorrow.” Susie immediately dropped to the floor, kicking andscreaming, “I want to go to McDonalds.”No amount of pleading (

4、恳求)or scolding her mother tried stopped Susies tantrum (发脾气) . Finally her mothergave in, “Okay, Susie, lets go to McDonalds. ”Susie stopped yelling and smiling she grabbed her mothers hand and they left. To say I was amazed would be inaccurate; I was delighted that anything I wanted could be had by

5、 throwing a tantrum.That day my mother picked me up early from daycare because we were going to a store to purchase some Christmas items. I was excited by the lights and decorations, and as we walked through the toy section on the way to the counter, I saw a toy I had to have. It was a white and red

6、 telephone whose bells rang as it was pulled along on a string. Looking lovingly up at my mother I asked, “Mama, can I have that telephone?”She replied, “Baby, not now, but if you are a good girl, maybe Santa will bring it to you.” “But Mama, I want that telephone right now. ”Her eyes narrowed and h

7、er hand tightened on mine. “Becky, you cant have that telephone today, but if you misbehave, you can have a spanking.”Paragraph 1:By now we were standing in the long Holiday line to pay the bill, and I figured it was a good chance.Paragraph 2:“Mama, stop. Mama, get up,” I tearfully pleaded.续写答案Parag

8、raph 1:By now we were standing in the long Holiday line to pay the bill, and I figured it was a good chance.Carefully taking a step back from my mother, I immediately dropped to the floor kicking and screaming just like Susie did, “I Want The Telephone!” The commotion instantly drew all the eyes on

9、us. Despite my mothers efforts to lift me up, I kept rolling on the ground, thinking of the sweet prospect of getting the telephone. Then my bubble was burst. Out of the blue, my mother fell beside me and before I knew it, her sharp cries filled the shop, “I want a new car, a new house and a well-be

10、haved Daughter!” I, panicked.Paragraph 2:“Mama, stop. Mama, get up,” I tearfully pleaded.Crawling toward my mother, I tried to pull her up. But she was immovable, her cries echoing. At that moment, the crowds staring seemed to have burnt a hole on my back. “What should I do?” I questioned myself, us

11、eless tears dripping on the floor. In desperation, I yielded and apologized sincerely, “Mama, I am sorry. Please get up. I dont want the telephone now.” After ensuring I was serious, she stood up, dusted herself off and returned to the queue as if nothing had happened. She didnt utter another word y

12、et the silence felt heavier than the hardest spanking.续写精析-初见惊喜，读时动容，过后难忘书写无暇，逻辑流畅，句式多样，用词准确是满分读后续写的四条基本线。但上述四点全部做到也只能保证拿到20+的分数。如何才能拿满分？用三个词汇概括：wows, moves, echoes.三个词代表三个层面：初见惊喜，读时动容，过后难忘。想做到这三点，需要：1.在写作时刻意凝练自己的语言，时刻寻找有新意的替代表达（基于准确）；2.构建让人共鸣的故事情节，人物刻画要活泼生动；3.结尾的方式尤须巧思，力求在升华主题时给读者留下深刻印象。Paragraph 1

13、:By now we were standing in the long Holiday line to pay the bill, and I figured it was a good chance.(首段剧情需根据两段提示语决定首尾。第一段提示语，“此时我们站在长长的队列中等待结账，而我想这是一个好机会。”第二段提示语“妈，别。妈，起。”我哭着请求道。那么首段续写的关键就在于回答好两个问题：1. 这是主人公Becky做什么的好机会？2. 妈妈怎么跑地上去了？第一个问题。原文以主人公在Daycare托儿所时的一段经历铺垫。Becky在托儿所时看到fellow baby, Susie为了去麦

14、当劳躺在地上哭闹，疲惫不堪的母亲不经其扰，无奈妥协。一个成年人，看到这一幕，或许会共情Susie的母亲。但Becky的反应不是这样。原文这样说，“To say I was amazed would be inaccurate;I was delighted that anything I wanted could be had by throwing a tantrum.”Becky不止惊讶，更是欢喜，觉得自己学了一个妙招任何我想要的东西都可以通过throw a tantrum发脾气来解决。因此当Becky想要电话但妈妈不同意时，剧情合理的展开当是Becky要开始发脾气啦。第二个问题。第二句提

15、示语说妈妈在地上不起来。那么结合原文可知，Becky应该是模仿了Susie在地上打滚，母亲发现劝说无效，遂自己也躺在地上嚎叫。这篇文章以Becky为第一人称，最有趣的设计应当是Becky的心理活动，和妈妈躺在地上说的话。下面进入分句精析。)Carefully taking a step back from my mother, I immediately dropped to the floor kicking and screaming just like Susie did, “I Want The Telephone!”（Becky要摔倒了，但是怎么摔呢？超市队伍里人多物杂。“善于观察和

16、学习”的Becky必然不会不顾一切，就地摔倒。我设计她观察环境后先退一步，离妈妈远一些，避免尚未倒下便被妈妈扶住，让自己的计谋夭折。简单退一步，便让Becky精明的形象跃然纸上。后面的动作则与原文中Susie摔倒一致，在句尾加一个just like susie did,说明Becky有样学样，与原文呼应。直接引语部分全部用大写首字母，且感叹号结尾，让句子更“大声”，与screaming相匹配。）The commotion instantly drew all the eyes on us.（由于故事发生在商店中，且Becky行止怪状，所以我写一句周边人的反应，增强主角与环境的互动性，避免叙事单

17、调。这句话的写作有两处巧思。1. 如何形容Becky突如其来在地上的哭闹？与其重复前文字眼，我用了commotion指代。牛津这样定义commotion：sudden noisy and confused activity or excitement.完美匹配此处情景。2. 吸引众人目光如何形容？drew everyones attention?太过generic普通。我选用了drew all the eyes让表达更具体、形象。两处巧思，清新自然。）Despite my mothers efforts to lift me up, I kept rolling on the ground,

18、thinking of the sweet prospect of getting the telephone.（在电视和电影拍摄中有一个规律，那就是镜头会每3秒切换一次，避免观众视觉疲劳。同时观众也能获得多种观看视角，更全面地了解镜头聚焦的事物。好的续写其实也在用文字引导读者的视角。如果视角始终对准一个人/物，读者难免感到无趣。所以写作者必须学会在五大要素间来回切换，增强故事的流动性和阅读乐趣。正因如此，在Becky倒地后，我没有继续描写Becky，而是转而描写周围人，再转到Becky的母亲，最后再转回Becky的心理描写。那么Becky心理是什么呢？此时母亲试图将女儿拉起，但Becky却把

19、商店地面当成了游乐园。根据原文所说“I was delighted that anything I wanted could be had by throwing a tantrum.” Becky一定觉得自己的小计谋可以得逞，心中欢喜自是难抑。sweet prospect体现Becky的小算盘。）Then my bubble was burst.（但故事并未按Becky所料进展，美梦转眼破碎。Burst ones bubble:shatter someonesillusionsabout something or destroy their sense of well-being.一地梦幻泡

20、影，用在此时恰如其分。）Out of the blue, my mother fell beside me and before I knew it, her sharp cries filled the shop, “I want a new car, a new house and a well-behaved Daughter!” I, panicked.（迎来与第二段的衔接句。根据上文分析，此时母亲应该也倒在地上，但是如何能不重复语言，且呈现出Becky的视角？前文铺垫Becky地上翻滚时沉浸于自己的幻想中，所以当母亲出乎意料地倒在地上时，她应当没注意到前兆，非常吃惊。因此形容母亲突然

21、且迅即的动作时，我用了out of the blue:sudden and unexpected，避免重复前面用过的immediately/instantly或常见的unexpectedly/surprisingly/to her surprise.接下来的一切都太快了。母亲倒在“我”的旁边。before i knew it体现出Becky的茫然失措，反应不过来。紧接着，母亲的尖叫响彻商店。Her sharp cries filled the shop无灵主语句避免与前面scream重复，表达自然传神，让读者身临其境，营造一种“刺耳”的恐怖（站在Becky视角）。母亲叫喊的内容同样以感叹号结尾

22、，最后的well behaved daughter呼应前文。此景此经，我，慌了。句式长短相间。至此第一段收尾。）Paragraph 2:“Mama, stop. Mama, get up,” I tearfully pleaded.（第二段剧情如何展开呢？从提示语可知母亲的举动让Becky毫无准备，惊慌失措。根据逻辑推理，母亲总不能一直趴在地上，最后一定会起身。那么第二段的关键就在于母亲会如何起身？契机是什么？以及如何结尾才能让人印象深刻？下面进入分句精析）Crawling toward my mother, I tried to pull her up.（母女二人都在地上，所以女儿言语无效后

23、，女儿便向母亲爬去，试图把母亲拉起。与手段同样的动作，角色调换。）But she was immovable, her cries echoing.（镜头调转。女儿发力，母亲呢？immovable牛津这样定义：1. sth that cannot be moved, 2. of a person or an opinion, etc. impossible to change or persuade.言符其实的“无动于衷”。简单句子，却一语双关。）At that moment, the crowds staring seemed to have burnt a hole on my back.

24、（镜头再次转动，再次聚焦人群。但此事我全身心都在妈妈身上，我不会去关注人群的表情或动作，而是感到背上有烧灼感。眼神亦有温度和重量。一个句子，即纳入观众，增强互动性，又凸显人物心理，一“句”两得。）“What should I do?” I questioned myself, useless tears dripping on the floor.（“我”扪心自问，该怎么办啊？通过合理地心理具像化，让读者一窥角色心理活动。此外，我增加了一个人物微表情描写，useless tears dripping on the floor.有时我们可以控制自己的眼泪，比如小朋友假哭的技巧堪比奥斯卡得主。但情

25、势紧急时，人会失去对自身的掌控，手和腿都管不住，眼泪哪还能收放自如。眼泪何其无辜，一个useless说的哪里是眼泪，分明是自己。）In desperation, I yielded and apologized sincerely, “Mama, I am sorry. Please get up. I dont want the telephone now.”（用眼泪和母亲的无动于衷铺垫绝望，使其合理，同样也给Becky下一步行动提示。无路可走，只得放弃，向母亲道歉。give up? Give in?我用了yield：give way to arguments, demands, or pr

26、essure.以此避免与原文重复，又让表达具有进一步的区分度。）After ensuring I was serious, she stood up, dusted herself off and returned to the queue as if nothing had happened.（母亲躺在地上何其冷？众人的目光又何止灼烧Becky一人？但为母教女，不达目的绝不放弃。尽情释放后，起身的契机终于来到，但仍要确保“小机灵”不是诈降，一个ensuring i was serious把母亲的心理活动悄然展现。“she stood up, dusted herself off and re

27、turned to the queue as if nothing had happened.”起身后的母亲与躺在地上的她判若两人。她轻拍浮尘，转身入列，镇静自若。母亲才是yyds!）She didnt utter another word yet the silence felt heavier than the hardest spanking.（故事到这里已经接近尾声。这篇文章的主题是强调母亲别出心裁的教育方式，所以结尾处我希望能点题，且能凸显出母亲教育方式的有效性，让读者放心地知道Becky长了记性。那么该如何收尾呢？其实在看到续写题目的第一段时，我就想好了结尾。让我们一起回顾一下原文，Instead she found ways of punishment that left a morelastingmemory than giving us a spanking.所以我设计了这样的画面，“母亲转身，不复一言。于我，此刻母亲的沉默竟比鞭挞更觉沉重。”首尾相连，起点亦是终点。）