1、读后续写写作具细精析讲义续写题目读后续写阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。Once, when I was a teenager, my father and I were standing in line to buy tickets for thecircus. Finally, there was only one family between us and the ticket counter.Thisfamilymade a big impression on me. There were eight children, all probably under
2、 the age of twelve. You could tell they didnt have a lot ofmoney.Their clothes were not expensive, but they were clean. The children were well-behaved, all of them standing in line, two-by-two behind their parents, holding hands. They were excitedly talking about the clowns, elephants, and other act
3、s they would see that night with their brothers or sisters in a low voice.One could sense they had never been to the circus before. It promised to be highlight of their young lives. The father and mother were at the head of the pack, standing proud as could be. The mother was holding her husbands ha
4、nd, looking up at him as if to say, “You are my knight in shining armor.”He was smiling and responding in pride, looking back at her as if to say, “You got that right.” The ticket lady asked thefatherhow many tickets he wanted. He proudly responded, “Please let me buy eight childrens tickets and two
5、 adult tickets so I can take my family to the circus.”The ticket lady gave the price. The mans wife let go of his hand, her head dropped, and his lips began toshake. The father leaned a little closer and asked, “How much did you say?”The ticket lady again quoted the price. The man didnt have enough
6、money.How was he supposed to turn and tell his eight children that he didnt have enough money to take them to the circus?Actually we were not wealthy in any sense. So I understand how the kids would feel. I felt sorry for them.Paragraph 1Seeing what was going on, my dad put his hand in his pocket, p
7、ulled out a $20 bill and dropped it on the ground.Paragraph 2That day my father and I went back to our car and drove home without any tickets.下水文Paragraph 1：Seeing what was going on, my dad put his hand in his pocket, pulled out a $20 bill and dropped it on the ground.Leaning forward, he tapped the
8、boy in front of him on the shoulder and spoke kindly, “Hey kid, I think your father just dropped this.” He then pointed at the money. Picking it up, the boy ran to his father. Seconds later, the man came over, looking utterly surprised. Before he could say anything, my dad made eye contact with the
9、man and nodded twice. All was understood. After expressing his gratitude, he shook my dads hands firmly and returned to his wife, who on hearing the news, looked up again, her eyes sparkling.Paragraph 2：That day my father and I went back to our car and drove home without any tickets.It was a quiet r
10、ide. Looking blankly outside, I watched the trees flying by and thought about what had just happened until, suddenly, my fathers voice brought me back. “Im sorry we missed the show, kid,” he apologized. I turned and smiled, “Dont worry dad. We may have missed the show but I witnessed something far g
11、reater.” Hearing that, he paused and then asked in a more cheerful voice, “Really?” Without a word, I looked him in the eye and nodded twice. All was understood.续写精析什么续写能博得阅卷人欢心？什么样的续写能获得满分？有两个基本点。一：阅卷人大量阅卷过程中，身心俱疲。获得满分的续写须如一股清风拂面，让人感到愉悦。所以卷面必须完美无瑕，遣词造句自然流畅，而不过于繁复，以免让阅卷人觉得有卖弄之嫌。简而言之，大道至简，适度惊艳。二：故事中的
12、人物反映的是作者的素质。这就是为什么除非原文有额外设定，人物必须显得聪明睿智，善解人意，是真善美的化身。如果你笔下人物写的糟糕，会给人负面的印象，分数自然下滑。让人舒服，给人向上的正能量，那么考官必定会喜欢。这是人之常情。下面从这两个角度，进行本篇续写精析。Paragraph 1Seeing what was going on, my dad put his hand in his pocket, pulled out a $20 bill and dropped it on the ground.(首段续写需要根据两段提示语决定首尾。根据首段提示推理，父亲当时看到情景不忍心因而想伸出援手。第
13、二段得知，而人最终未能如愿购得门票。那么这20美元应当到了那一家人手中。那么首段续写的核心就只需要回答好一个问题，如何把这20美元给了对方？我举2种可能的设计作对比：1. “我”父亲拍了前面那个家庭父亲的肩膀，说他钱掉了，然后对方明知自己没掉，心生诧异，“我”父亲向其解释，对方抱住“我”父亲深表感谢，然后回去买票。2. “我”父亲轻拍站在大家庭队伍最后小朋友肩膀，说他父亲钱掉了。小朋友捡起钱来跑去找他父亲，然后对方过来查看时，用一个微表情使其心领神会，最后对方回去买票。你觉得两种设计哪个更好呢？在我看来，第二种设计明显优于第一种，原因如下：1. 原文铺垫如此。原文中作者对8个孩子的大家庭的父亲
14、观察很仔细。反复强调他的proud，并且在听到价格后难以置信时，他确认的方式是“leaned a little closer and asked向柜台方向前倾”，为什么呢？前倾是为了控制声量，这恰恰说明他不想让孩子们伤心。因此当“我”父亲准备做好事的时候，他一定会理解对方的顾虑，用一种隐秘的方式保全对方的尊严，也不让孩子们有任何心理负担，全心玩耍。2. 提示语铺垫如此。提示语说父亲把前扔到地上。说明父亲想以一种意外的，不引起孩子们怀疑的方式把钱送到对方手中。那么续写最好能贯彻提示语的铺垫。那么这个钱应该怎么到对方手中？这段剧情又可以有什么亮点？下面进入分句精析。)Leaning forward
15、, he tapped the boy in front of him on the shoulder and spoke kindly, “Hey kid, I think your father just dropped this.” He then pointed at the money.（第一句紧承提示语。这句话有两个问题需要考虑：1. 1.父亲怎么把地上有钱告诉对方一家人？有的学员写作时直接让“我”父亲拍了他父的肩膀，但根据原文铺垫，在两人间还隔着四排孩子，所以这父亲的胳膊得有多长？合理的设计是让“我”父亲拍他前面孩子的肩膀，然后告诉他他的父亲钱掉了。这样做还有一个好处，那就是同一
16、个情景中出现的人物，作者要尽可能都提及到，避免人物沦为背景板。这个场景中人物有“我”父亲与“我”，对方八个孩子和其父母。如果第一段只围绕双方父亲展开，其他人物不出现不现实，缺少合理性和互动性。2.解决了第一个问题，还有一个小问题，怎么称呼对方的孩子？原文中铺垫这些孩子为12岁及以下，叫young man有点老且古板，bro/dude当然更不恰当。最后我用一个不区分性别的kid称呼，前面用spoke kindly缓和语气，让父亲的称呼尽可能温柔和缓。同时这个称呼也为后面埋了伏笔。）Picking it up, the boy ran to his father.（听到钱是自己父亲的，捡起来跑到父
17、亲旁交给他。合理的行为。同时为下文铺垫。句式长短结合。动作逻辑连贯。）Seconds later, the man came over, looking utterly surprised.（从原文铺垫，他父是proud的人，必然不会闷收不义之财，故设计他前来确认查看。简化句神态描写utterly surprised符合逻辑。）Before he could say anything, my dad made eye contact with the man and nodded twice.（这部分两个父亲相遇的情节设计最现巧思。最开始的分析中我说，“我”父亲体谅他父及其孩子心情，必不会声张
18、真相，而会尽可能让此事隐秘达成。因此，当对方过来时，“我”父亲赶在对方说话前就做出暗示。那么怎么暗示呢？wink wink吗？两人并非熟识，眨眼过于隐蔽，且信息量有限。开玩笑的说，万一对方觉得自己眼部神经有问题，也并非不可能。所以这种方法不保险，说服力也有限。那么该怎么办？我思考后，最终设计了这样的画面，“在对方开口前，我的父亲与之视线相对，点头两次。”）All was understood.（上有母语者这样解释all is understood，“I hear all is understood as though there is something mysterious or coded
19、 in the instructions.我听到“一切都明白了”，就好像指令里有什么神秘的东西或密码一样。”此处“视线相对，点头两次”正是加密信息，一切尽在不言中。用all is understood恰如其分。）After expressing his gratitude, he shook my dads hands firmly and returned to his wife, who on hearing the news, looked up again, her eyes sparkling.（此句设计考虑2点：1.理解“我”父亲用心后，对方会如何表达感激？2.如何增强文本中人物的
20、互动性与呼应性？第一个问题，我在对方表达感谢后，设计了一个两位父亲握手的情景，且对方很用力地握手，这又是一个属于两人的信息传递，何需多言。第二个问题，我让他父回到妻子身边，接下来妻子的神态描写则和原文相呼应。原文给了妻子两次神态和动作描写。第一次，“The mother was holding her husbands hand, looking up at him as if to say, “You are my knight in shining armor.”开始时母亲时欢喜的，与丈夫握着手，且抬头看着他；第二次，在售票lady说了票价后，“The mans wife let go o
21、f his hand, her head dropped, and his lips began toshake.”母亲的心理变化通过两次神态和动作描写展露无遗。此处我呼应原文的行文风格和人物的形象塑造，当他父带回好消息后，让妻子抬头，眼中闪烁，或是喜悦，或是眼泪，或兼而有之。读到此处，读者瞬间就可以意会人物情绪的变化，不仅体现出“我”父亲帮助的价值，还增强了续写中人物的互动性，让对方全家都在续写中露脸，完美结束戏份。第一段收尾。）Paragraph 2That day my father and I went back to our car and drove home without an
22、y tickets.（根据第二段提示语，“父亲与我回到车上，向家中驶去，没有买到票。”可知，第二段剧情会在父亲和孩子二人间展开。那么两人会说什么呢？有的学生习作设计为，孩子询问父亲为什么要这样做，然后父亲给孩子解释，孩子表示理解和赞同，最后升华主题。但我不这样认为。那么我会如何设计父亲和孩子之间的对话，以及彼此的反应呢？下面进入分句精析。）It was a quiet ride.（这一路二人都很安静。用符合情景的环境描写开场，写景也写人，说明两人都有心事。）Looking blankly outside, I watched the trees flying by and thought ab
23、out what had just happened until, suddenly, my fathers voice brought me back.（“彼时，我放空般看着窗外树影飞掠，想着刚刚发生的事，直到父亲的声音突然将我思绪唤回。”写作视角在窗外风景人物心理父亲言语间丝滑流动。这是一个有诗意的画面，让读者心思在读词句时得到片刻休憩，其功效正如桌前工作的我，眼睛酸涩时望着桌边的白掌和迷迭香。句式多样自然，简化句，宾语从句，时间状语从句相结合，最后由无灵主语句把镜头切回，同时设置悬念，父亲会说什么呢？）“Im sorry we missed the show, kid,” he apol
24、ogized.（从原文最后一段的铺垫来看，“I understand how the kids would feel. I felt sorry for them.”孩子应该可以理解父亲的决定。因而我觉得父亲在对话中不会是“教育者”的角色。他的教育通过上一段的行为已经完成。相反，我觉得作为一个善于体察的父亲，他会因为未征求孩子意见便把钱给出去，导致孩子无法看成表演而向孩子道歉。此处kid的用词是有原因的。原文一直没有明说或暗示，“我”到底是男生或女孩。所以作为续写者，我不愿随便假设。因而重复使用了中性的kid。同时这个称呼和第一段父亲用kid称呼那个孩子一致，增强了行文呼应性。那么孩子面对父亲
25、的道歉会如何回应呢？）I turned and smiled, “Dont worry dad. We may have missed the show but I witnessed something far greater.”（如我在文章开头所说，“除非原文有额外设定，人物必须显得聪明睿智，善解人意，是真善美的化身。”因此面对父亲的歉意，“我”表示理解。且witnessed something far greater体现出“我”对父亲先前举动的赞许，宽慰其心。）Hearing that, he paused and then asked in a more cheerful voice,
26、 “Really?”（父亲心中一舒，“paused”和“more cheerful”体现出父亲的心理变化。或许父亲听到孩子不仅不怨自己，还很理解，也有一分好奇和骄傲，“真的吗？”）Without a word, I looked him in the eye and nodded twice. All was understood.(续写收尾之语堪称画龙点睛。考场上能否获得满分可谓成败在此一“句”。一路追读来的老朋友知道，我在考场作文中推荐用环境描写结尾（Henry与Robert回家时夕阳洒下的影子），也常用语言收尾（火海救婴中勇敢的心拯救希望），但到目前还尚未纯用动作结尾。但这篇文章的收尾我在第一段续写时便早有铺垫。首段续写中，两个父亲视线交汇，用微表情便成功传达心思。此处面对父亲的问题，我未再用语言收尾，而是设计了如下的画面，“我不发一言，眼神与父亲交汇，点头两次。一切尽在不言中。”您的一言一行我都看在眼里，学在心里，想来这个答案也让您欣慰吧。写到此处，角色互动完美收束。读到此句的读者或许也不自觉地点头两次，表示心领神会。全文结束。)
