1、读后续写写作逐句精析讲义-万米高空的囧事与人间温暖续写题目读后续写阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。续写词数应为150左右My name is John and I must share with you an event which took place on Flight 1553 out of DCA.My wifeand I were traveling toMiami to celebrate an achievement for her and as you can imagine, we were looking forward to fun, sun
2、and laughter.We boarded theaircraft,without acarein the world. It was cold in Washington and we were ready for Florida. Shortly after taking myseat, I began to feel sick. I knew something wasnt right but just couldnt find out what was happening .Being a doctor and a stubborn man, I resisted efforts
3、by my wife to call for assistance. As the aircraft began its departure roll, I lost consciousness for a short amount of time. As I came around, I quickly realized a fewthings. Firstly, something very bad had happened to me .Secondly, the aircraft was too heavy with the fuel to go back home. Thirdly,
4、 my loss of consciousness had been so deep that I found myself out of control. So not only did I have amedical issueto deal with, but I also had to figure out how to deal with an embarrassingexperience.My wifegatheredthe crew as soon as it was safe to move about and I made my way to the washroom to
5、attempt to clean up. I did my best and the flight crew members were so supportive, checking on me often and reassuring me that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. It was their sympathy and support that helped me so much. During the flight they kept watching over me and I suddenly had a small
6、group of nurse, bringing blankets, food, drinks and caring and smile. I was thankful to them.Paragraph 1：Upon landing, I remained in my seat, allowing other people to go first.Paragraph 2：Hearing that,the captain left and returned a couple minutes later with a pair of his own blue jeans.续写答案Paragrap
7、h 1：Upon landing, I remained in my seat, allowing other people to go first.Minutes later, the cabin was almost empty. As my wife and I stood up to gather our bags, I saw a gentleman making his way to us. Then, he stopped and introduced himself, “Good day! Im captain of this flight.” Hearing this, my
8、 wife turned around. He continued with a gentle smile, “The crew told me what happened. Are you better now?” At that moment, so much blood rushed to my face that I could actually feel it burning. I answered blushingly, “Thank you, Sir. I am feeling much better.” The captain pondered and said, “I am
9、glad to hear that. What sizes of pants do you wear?” “35*32”, slightly confused, I answered.Paragraph 2：Hearing that,the captain left and returned a couple minutes later with a pair of his own blue jeans.Handing it to me, he explained politely, “We wear the same sizes. You can change in the cabin.”
10、I looked at my wife to get her opinion and she nodded. Then I took the pants, a wave of gratitude washing over me. Before my wife and I expressed how grateful we were, he waved and returned to the cockpit. While changing,I couldnt stop thinking about the help and care I received from my wife and the
11、 crew. It hit me that kindness is doing what we can, where we are with what we have. It doesnt cost much, yet its the richest give we can give.续写精析Paragraph 1：Upon landing, I remained in my seat, allowing other people to go first.（第一段剧情由两段提示语提示首尾。从第一句“降落后，我未起身，让其他人先行”可知，续写情景设定在飞机客舱中，其他乘客离开后。根据第二句提示语
12、“听到这番话，机长转身离去，几分钟后带着一条自己的蓝色牛仔裤返回”，可知第一段情节会出现新人物“机长”，且两者之间会发生对话，导致机长把自己的牛仔裤给主角John。许多人的对话设计会围绕John和captain展开，忽视John妻子的戏份，使其沦为背景板，其实这样的设计是很不好的。在“Madam Leong的人性复杂之美”和“飞入心中的球”里都出现了多个人物，但是为了不让非主要人物沦为背景板，我都做了相应设计让原文提到的人物出镜，哪怕只是一个动作。因此，本片续写中情节设计时也需要考虑John的妻子的戏份，以增强其存在感、人物之间的互动性和续写的真实性。下面进入分句精析。）Minutes lat
13、er, the cabin was almost empty.（本句承接提示语逻辑，体现出时间的流动性，同时为下文动作做铺垫。）As my wife and I stood up to gather our bags, I saw a gentleman making his way to us.（这句话的逻辑和提示语紧密连接。提示语说，John准备等其他人走后再离开，此时客舱人几乎走完，他们也站起来开始拿行李。可信且逻辑连贯的动作增强人物的真实性和阅读的沉浸感。正在此时，John看到有一位绅士朝他们走来。合理地引出新人物，为后文做铺垫。Gentlemen有两重考量：1.机长一般情况下都会穿自
14、己的工作服，但普通乘客可能难以辨别cockpit里不同工作人员的职位，所以此处笼统称之为gentlement（看下图）。2. captain也有女性承担，选择用gentleman是因为第二段提示语有拿裤子的提示，以及人称代词his,所以推断出机长性别为男。此句话还有两处和原文的语言风格呼应：1. As引导的时间状语从句。原文有这样的语句，“As the aircraft began its departure roll, I lost consciousness for a short amount of time. As I came around, I quickly realized a
15、 fewthings.” 2. Make his way to us.原文曾用这个表达描写作者去卫生间，“I made my way to the washroom.”）Then, he stopped and introduced himself, “Good day! Im captain of this flight.”（站定后，这位绅士开口说话。说话内容需要符合人物身份。此处机长与乘客说话，要凸显其“礼”及“重”。所以我设计的问候用语不是“hello, hi”，而是“good day!”其次是紧随的自我介绍。简明扼要。）Hearing this, my wife turned arou
16、nd.（听到话声，John的妻子转身过来。简单的动作，起到双重效果：1. 增加人物之间的互动性，John的妻子参与到故事中，使其鲜活。2. Captain的对话中间插入妻子动作，让写作要素更丰富，避免对话冗长引发的说教感。）He continued with a gentle smile, “The crew told me what happened. Are you better now?”（引出对话要尽量使用更准确或更形象的语言，避免say, ask在文本中的多次使用。上一句中机长说话前，我用其说话的目的引入对白，”he introduced himself”,此处则用”he conti
17、nued with a smile”既使说话人神态更鲜明，也避免了重复。说话内容符合逻辑，且风格追求“简明扼要”。读者已知的故事情节无需重复，概括即可。如在“如何描写内心冲突”一文中“popped the same questions”的用法。用一句问候结尾，引出John的反应。）At that moment, so much blood rushed to my face that I could actually feel it burning.（那么机长听说John的什么事儿，John的反应应该是什么呢？原文中说，“John飞机起飞不久失去意识。醒来发现自己面临尴尬处境”，且“妻子去叫工
18、作人员时，John去卫生间清理自己”，且乘务员后来也安慰他“reassuring me that there was nothing to be embarrassed about.”我们可以推测，失去意识期间，John失去对身体控制，弄脏了裤子。根据此推断，当机长也得知此囧事后，我在John的回答前设计了一个神态描写，“这一刻，大量的血液涌上我的脸以至于我都能感觉到它在烧。”插入的一个神态描写，既让读者瞬间感受到John的心理变化，增强了故事和人物的真实性，又避免连续对白带来的说教感。一举两得。）I answered blushingly, “Thank you, Sir. I am fee
19、ling much better.”（为避免对话的呆板，除在对话间插入其他写作要素，也可以在引出对话的动词前后增加动作、副词、介词短语，勾勒人物说话时的神态。此处衔接上句逻辑，John回答问题时脸色泛红，有些窘迫。人物语言中的“sir”,符合场景需求，增加了情景真实性。）The captain pondered and said, “I am glad to hear that. What sizes of pants do you wear?”（根据第二段首句可知，机长会把自己的牛仔裤拿给对方。现在已经到了首段结尾，需要进行此情节设计，但想要让其逻辑合理，仍需回答好下面两个问题：1. 为什么
20、要给裤子？2. 为什么能给自己的裤子？第一个问题在原文和前面对话中已有铺垫。上文解释了John身上发生了什么，前面captain对话中说, “The crew told me what happened.”说明机长也已经知道此事，所以此处captain应是想表达自己的善意。为回答第二个问题，我做了一个铺垫，”the captain pondered.”说明机长在看到John后，做了观察和思考，然后才下这个决定，让其之后的行为更合理。但裤子也不能随便给，万一观察不准不合适呢？所以机长必须要问一下对方的尺寸。因此也就有了最后的问题。）“35*32”, slightly confused, I an
21、swered.（那么尺寸该怎么回答呢？根据原文航班是从DCA飞向Florida. DCA是位于弗吉尼亚州与华盛顿特区隔河相望的机场。所以尺寸用美式更合理。上方35*32是两个以英寸inch为计量单位的尺寸，35是waist size腰围，32是inseam,从裤裆到裤脚的长度。配张图大家体会一下。此外在此处用了slightly confused补充John回答时的神态,因为我觉得John虽然有疑惑，但可能也能猜到captain的想法，只是不敢确定。slightly让人物心理描写更精确。至此首段结束，与第二段提示语流畅衔接。）Paragraph 2：Hearing that, the capta
22、in left and returned a couple minutes later with a pair of his own blue jeans.（机长拿一条裤子回来了。合理推理，后文情节可以包括给裤子的过程，道谢的过程，以及换裤子的过程。对于第二段情节设计，我优先考虑的是，如何在保证人物互动合理且真实的情况下，避免大量对白。我的灵感来自日常。生活中，我们的沟通也并不是全部以对话形式展开，有时候一个动作，一个眼神就能起到作用。因此，在这段中，我尽可能用神态描写和心理描写取代了语言互动。下面进入分句精析）Handing it to me, he explained politely,
23、“We wear the same sizes. You can change in the cabin.”（行为和语言结合，呼应上文说明人物行为动机的同时又不过度解释，以免引起John的尴尬。机长的语言符合一开始设定的风格，“精要”。）I looked at my wife to get her opinion and she nodded.（参与到对话中的人物越多，越难控制其长度。因此全文对话都是在John和captain两人之间展开。但为避免John的妻子沦为背景板，我在上段设计了她的转身，此处则是John用眼神向其征求意见，而她则一个点头以示赞同。这样的设计还有第二个好处，避免了对话的
24、产生，且合理的神态沟通也让人物形象更生动，增加了读者阅读乐趣。）Then I took the pants, a wave of gratitude washing over me.（获得妻子赞同，我拿过裤子的同时，一阵感激涌上心头。）Before my wife and I expressed how grateful we were, he waved and returned to the cockpit.（感激都涌上心头了，那还不得表达一波？从逻辑上讲，表达感谢是必然的，但这样一来，又是更多的对话。所以，我在此处设计了机长“挥手告别回到驾驶舱”的行为，既避免了对话，又进一步营造了机长“
25、精干”的人物形象，助人为乐，却不图感谢。Cockpit为驾驶舱术语，增加了语言的专业性和叙事真实性。）While changing, I couldnt stop thinking about the help and care I received from my wife and the crew.It hit me that kindness is doing what we can, where we are with what we have. It doesnt cost much, yet its the richest give we can give.（又到了熟悉的升华环节。
26、环境、心理、微表情和语言，选哪个好呢？环境描写通常是续写结尾的首选。但因为本篇续写情景在客舱内，环境几乎没有发生变换，且缺少自然环境要素，比较难以写出让人印象深刻且感同身受的环境描写，所以我放弃了环境描写。经过思考后，我做出了心理描写+语言结尾的设计。根据前文逻辑，机长让John在客舱内换裤子，现在机长走了，所以John开始更换。更换的过程中，首先用一句心理描写概括前文，“i couldnt stop thinking the help and care i received from my wife and the crew”和前文“I was thankful to them.”呼应。紧接着用语言升华主题。语言结尾时，采用对比的写作手法更容易让人印象深刻。我在此处用了这样两句话，“It hit me that kindness is doing what we can, where we are with what we have. It doesnt cost much, yet its the richest give we can give.我突然意识到，善良是在我们所处之地，用我们所有，尽我们所能。它不需要花很多钱，但却是最珍贵的馈赠。”万米高空，千里之外，护士和机长的帮助或许只是倒了一杯热水，一句安慰，一条裤子，对John来说，却是人间温暖。全文收尾。）
